indefinite articles

This week: Exploring Doug’s wild imaginings through season one.

When placed before the mirror of ’90s pop culture, Doug is a hard program to place. Is this because Jim Jinkins created a unique rendition of pre-teen life that brought to the screen a distinct set of stories and quirks, or is it because his series turned out to be more formulaic than its fans would care to admit?

Content to let this question to loom over the Funnie household for the time being, the first season of Doug’s daily grind goes to great lengths to deliver one consistent message: The sixth grade is Hell.

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This Preemptive Strike is part of a cross-post between Indefinite Articles and The Eaten Path. You can read Jake Mix’s full review of Chili’s here.

In March 2008, Men’s Health Magazine unveiled its declaration against the twenty worst foods in America. The announcement arrived as part of a marketing campaign for editor-in-chief David Zinczenko and nutrition editor Matt Goulding’s new book, Eat This, Not That!, which sets America’s most frequented fast food and family restaurant chains in the crosshairs of the simplest of nutritional analyses. Fans of modest self-improvement hailed Eat This, Not That!’s approach as a shield against the disorienting avalanche of fats, salts and sweets that make it nearly impossible for American consumers to navigate the uphill struggle towards a healthier lifestyle.

The most salient revelation of Zinczenko and Goulding’s efforts, however, lies in the fact that eight of the twenty worst foods in America are served at restaurants owned by Brinker International. Currently the world’s second largest casual dining corporation, Brinker has managed to construct a multinational bad taste obesity empire fueled by America’s very tendency to eat That!, not This.

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Dear George Takei,

In the eyes of America, you will never be the face of Star Trek. Nor will you, even with your unmatched gift of a booming cadence, ever be the voice of Star Trek. While Patrick Stewart’s shining crown, Leonard Nimoy’s parted fingers and William Shatner’s staggering delivery have been forever lodged in the databanks of popular culture, your name will manage to escape all but the most informed Trek conversations and parodies.

Let it be known: Your shoulders are meant for a greater mantle.

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The golden age of Nickelodeon was a seminal period of development for 80s babies. If you are capable of reminiscing about the age before e-mail, then you probably remember the very first time you flipped to Channel 12 to see a blue-nosed manx cat showcasing his nose goblins to the world. It’s also likely that you remember the cultural significance of an orange couch, a bucket of slime, and a noble teenager by the name of Donkeylips.

The early 1990s was indeed a vital juncture for the little children’s network that could, which, thanks to twin juggernauts You Can’t Do That on Television and Double Dare, had just achieved a magical balance between commercial appeal and artistic freedom that spawned a variety of cult hits. Destined to be deposited in the nostalgia banks of millions, this critical mass of live action, animation and absurd competition took America by storm and established the network’s platform for preteen pop-cultural hegemony.

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