47 Words concludes its ode to Mega Man. The party line is that his creator, Dr. Light, was a paladin whose works were stolen and corrupted by the nefarious Dr. Wily, but the facts hint at a deeper madness.
Cut Man
Timber-felling robot
This android would have made thousands of loggers jobless, his unique, vertical cutting technique capable of turning trees into lumber long before being hauled off. Unfortunately, his stylish design proved fallible; half the time, the blunt end of his scissors bounced off the tree without effect.
Guts Man
Wilderness reclamation robot
Dr. Light’s exact definition of “wilderness reclamation” is a subject of some controversy to this day; supposedly this robot’s function was to clear away land for irrigational and recreational purposes, but more often than not he would just pick up boulders and heave them at harmless fauna.
Ice Man
Antarctic exploration robot
Built as a polar Pathfinder, Ice Man could traverse terrain far colder than humans could handle — and he was adorable, to boot. Why Dr. Light felt the need to equip him with a heavy-duty freezing beam remains a mystery, however; this budgetary albatross rendered the project stillborn.
Bomb Man
Ground disruption robot
At this point, Light’s objectives took a complete left turn from pragmatic to openly destructive. The robots that came before had to be tweaked by Dr. Wily to fit his goals of world domination, but nothing about Bomb Man suggested that he was anything but a terrorist.
Fire Man
Waste disposal robot
Light’s most puzzling creation yet, such a robot had no place in the eco-landscape of the year 20XX. Renewable energy had advanced to a point where setting waste aflame was viewed as needlessly regressive; like his predecessor, Fire Man exists merely as fulfillment of Light’s destructive tendencies.
Elec Man
Atomic energy controller
Light was clearly not a scientist; rather, he was a deranged arms manufacturer. One can only breathe relief that he had no actual access to nuclear energy, because his cartoonish co-opting of nature was already damning enough for society. The dystopia of Mega Man X begins here.
|
2 responses so far ↓
1 angela // Oct 6, 2008 at 7:49 pm
i’m playing megaman 5 and why don’t you have anything to say about the fifth one does it suck or something?
2 Cal // Dec 23, 2008 at 11:46 pm
Well this was posted a while ago so you probably won’t see it, but these are just the robots from megaman 1, so don’t feel offended if he didn’t do 5. He didn’t do 2,3,4,6,7,8, or 9. 5 isn’t the only one he didn’t do.
Leave a Comment