indefinite articles

This Preemptive Strike is part of a cross-post between Indefinite Articles and The Eaten Path. You can read Jake Mix’s full review of Chili’s here.

In March 2008, Men’s Health Magazine unveiled its declaration against the twenty worst foods in America. The announcement arrived as part of a marketing campaign for editor-in-chief David Zinczenko and nutrition editor Matt Goulding’s new book, Eat This, Not That!, which sets America’s most frequented fast food and family restaurant chains in the crosshairs of the simplest of nutritional analyses. Fans of modest self-improvement hailed Eat This, Not That!’s approach as a shield against the disorienting avalanche of fats, salts and sweets that make it nearly impossible for American consumers to navigate the uphill struggle towards a healthier lifestyle.

The most salient revelation of Zinczenko and Goulding’s efforts, however, lies in the fact that eight of the twenty worst foods in America are served at restaurants owned by Brinker International. Currently the world’s second largest casual dining corporation, Brinker has managed to construct a multinational bad taste obesity empire fueled by America’s very tendency to eat That!, not This.

The Brinker Obesity Eight, clockwise from top left: On the Border’s Stacked Nachos (worse nachos), Chili’s Awesome Blossom (worst starter), On the Border’s Grande Taco Salad With Taco Beef (worst salad), Chili’s Honey Chipotle Crispers With Chipotle Sauce (worst chicken entrée), On the Border’s Dos Equis Fish tacos With Rice and Beans (worst fish entrée), Macaroni Grill’s Double Macaroni n’ Cheese (worst kids’ meal), Macaroni Grill’s Spaghetti and Meatballs With Meat Sauce (worst pasta), Chili’s Chocolate Chip Paradise Pie With Vanilla Ice Cream (worst dessert)

Moreover, Brinker has done so in a way that blurs the lines between culture, reality and consumption so egregiously that it has unwittingly become the most underrated symbol of cultural imperialism our country has to offer. McDonald’s be damned: While the golden arches may have recently made great strides in latent racism and face painted terror, it makes only one cameo on the Men’s Health list. For a company whose message to kids was once a reassuringly cavalier, “Hey, it can happen!” McDonald’s has suffered several substantial blows to its ability to export fat to the rest of the world, let alone to its own vulnerable citizens.

The Grimace and other McDonaldLand characters have been abandoned by McDonald’s as part of an agreement to cease marketing to children. Equally fattening facial expressions, however, continue to reside in family restaurants everywhere.

Chili’s, On the Border, and Romano’s Macaroni Grill, however, have shouldered the burden of imperial overreach more easily than the Grimace can deflect a basketball into a hoop using nothing but his purple, chicken nugget shaped head. This is troublesome for any patriotic American for two reasons.

First, despite all attempts to implement half-hearted lifestyle changes, the overeating engine that drives our most basic instincts continues to roar. The path of moderation is beset on all sides by the pillars of improvidence that sustain us, reducing our lives to a most inauspicious choice: This, or That?

Second, and of more immediate concern to our standing in the world, is the fact that America’s worst entree can’t be found at Chili’s. Brinker International may have managed to win eight mentions in the annals of weight gain, but in the end it lost the crown to Outback Steakhouse, whose Aussie Cheese Fries With Ranch Dressing snatched the title of “Worst Food in America” away from Brinker’s stubby fingers in a grease-stained coup over Chili’s’ Awesome Blossom.

What the hell, America? If we can’t live up to our country’s historic values of moderation, humility and independence, we might as well be fatter than Australia. Ironically, even that saving grace of our fast food nation has been supplanted by Australia’s recent announcement that it will soon be the fattest nation in the world, leaving us with precious little to show for the super-sized laurels on which we rest.

It’s uncertain how much the bifurcated directives of Men’s Health will affect the country’s eating habits, but as long as Chili’s, along with its extended family in the Brinker pantheon, can’t claim to serve America’s worst food, I’m giving it the worst rating imaginable: negative fifty stars.

Take That!