As the 2008 Games carry on with their lip-synched grandeur, 47 Words explores several infrequently heralded yet vital pieces of the Olympic puzzle.
Accounting
Pen, calculator
A bureaucratic triathalon, in this event teams of four accountants race through three back-to-back legs: bookkeeping, taxes, and notarization. Afterwards, teams wait nervously through a thorough audit by an international panel of judges. Sadly, athletes are disallowed from accepting medals as they are considered gifts. -JM
Zord Fighting
Giant Monster, Five Thematically Linked Robots
After a brief introductory bout of melee combat, usually waged in an empty field, participants summon skyscraper-sized robots composed of several smaller robots, often themed around prehistoric life, simple geometric shapes or beings from Japanese spiritualism. Combatants engage in more melee combat until stock footage runs dry. -RB
Pogs
Milk Bottle Caps, Slammer
Athletes shall provide 100 Official POG brand Pogs each. Depictions of skulls/eightballs are forbidden. Slammers shall weigh between 88-92 grams with a 2 cm diameter and 1.7 mm width. Athletes are encouraged to beware of 8th graders, those thieving bastards. -JM
Lanyard Making
Plastic cord, a general sense of summer-camp cameraderie
One of the few remaining vestiges of the rugged Games that once were (see: Orienteering), this brutal exercise casts its unwitting participants into the wild, forced to fend for themselves by demonstrating that they can twist small plastic cords into fashionable, colorful wrist straps for their friends. -RB
LARPing
STR, DEX, INT, CHA, CON, WIS, Imagination
In the Live Action Role-Playing event, athletes compete in one of three categories: Vampire: The Masquerade, Buffyverse, Low-Magic Fantasy, and High-Magic Fantasy. Game masters award experience points for technique as well as style. All athletes receive a gold medal at level up, and gain a new spell.
-JM
Operation
Emergency-room simulation
Ever the thorn in progress’ side, human-rights activists have kept real-time medical competition out of the Olympic running for decades. Milton Bradley compromised with this surgery simulation, in which contenders feel the gravity of another’s life slipping away from them in the form of a mild buzz. -RB
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