As the spectacle that is the Beijing Olympics explodes onto the international stage, 47 Words takes a look back at the games that once were.
Cricket
22 Players, 2 Wickets, 1 Cricket Bat, 1 Ball
Take baseball, and remove one dimension from everything. The two-dimensional diamond is reduced to a one-dimensional pitch, and the cylindrical bat becomes a flat board. And then remove the temporal dimension from 4D spacetime, leaving a game that lasts forever. Then again, baseball is really boring too. -JM
Dancesport
2 Couples, No Holds Barred
Dancesport’s potent combination of the world’s hottest, most aggressive beats and fiercest moves proved to be dangerous and sometimes fatal concoction. Having a higher death toll than all other games combined, it was removed from the Summer Olympic Games in a highly controversial decision by the IOC. -JL
Orienteering
1 Map, 1 Compass, 2 Legs
Originating in the Far East, orienteering combines racing and navigation. It is believed orienteering developed out of a form of torture used by Malaysian pirates, Yo Yuer Phuket. Pirates would throw captives into shark-infested waters and bet on who would find a protective clan of porpoises fastest. -MS
Sumo
2 Large Men, 1 Ring
At a glance, Sumo wrestling seems little more than a novelty sport at the expense of the obese. Then, one day, in the jungle of ESPN obscura, these pink fleshy bears desperately struggle to destroy each other’s souls. Never has being a human being felt so right. -JM
Croquet
6 Players, 6 Balls, 6 Mallets, 2 Wickets, 9 Hoops
Atop crisply coiffed blades of grass brightly hued orbs careen through towering white gates. Angrily rocketed away by delightfully heavy mallets, the orbs cra-clack into each other. With a smile, all stress and passive aggression evaporates into lawnsport douchebaggery. Like Bocci ball, only with more melee combat.
-JM
Tug of War
2 Teams, 1 Rope
The only true test of a country’s might, “the origins of tug of war are shrouded in mystery,” according to Wikipedia. This severe contest of supremacy was a staple of the Olympic experience from 1900 to 1920 when the number of events was cut by 21%. -JL
|
0 responses so far ↓
There are no comments yet...Kick things off by filling out the form below.
Leave a Comment