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Dear Nintendo,

With the Wii, you’ve hit upon a surefire, long-lasting approach to the console market, one which Microsoft and Sony are scrambling to appropriate for themselves. So far, you’re doing great, exceeding all the predictions of how well this new “toy” would sell. By emphasizing accessibility, the Wii abandons the usual barrier to entry so often associated with video gaming.

Perhaps the most powerful tool you offer to invite people into your new world are the Miis, adorable cartoon caricatures assembled by users the first time they sit down to use the Wii. It’s an effective method of introducing the most console-challenged members of the family to the virtual spaces of Nintendo’s games.

But you’re forgetting something, Nintendo. You’re forgetting that the Wii is for all of us — its for more than just bare-faced teenagers, its for moms and dads, too. And what do dads have? Beards. Tons of beards. And mustaches.

For Josh, the Mii creator offers sufficient facial hair options. But what happens if he decides to change his style?

Currently, the Mii creator only offers a sparse selection of three beards and three mustaches, allowing a meager 15 possible combinations of facial hair.

Where, Nintendo, is the accessibility here? Where are the soul patches and bushy lumberjacks, the skinny braids and flowing wizard locks? Why can’t I curl my mustache into loops and spirals at the edges, or straighten them out into sharp exclamation points that pop off of my face?

There’s not even an option for sideburns, of which there are numerous varieties: short, long, pointy, mutton chops, chin-line, and those badass ones that sharply curve in and head straight for the corners of the mouth. How do you expect me to win at Wii Sports when all I can think about is how pathetic my face looks?

World Beard and Mustache Competition contestant Willi Chevalier of the Sigmaringen Beard Club competes in the partial beard freestyle category. Where’s a Mii for him?

Even by the World Beard and Mustache Competition’s stringent criteria, which take into account hair length, shape, style, and the use of styling aids such as wax, there are 17 different beard and mustache categories in which to compete. Three of these areas of competition are freestyle, allowing for infinite hirsute variation where anything goes. To expand the palette of available facial hairstyles, Nintendo, why not form a partnership with the WBMC and release an officially sponsored World Beard and Mustache add-on pack? This cross marketing promotion would no doubt prove mutually beneficial to both parties.

The integration of Miis into the Wii Fit platform allows people to watch themselves gain and lose weight as they jog, step, and hula hoop their way to a healthier body. Shouldn’t one be able to have impeccably groomed facial hair at the same time?

Signed,
Joshua Leichtung & Jake Mix
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